This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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