I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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