I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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