OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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