Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
