So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
