fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
