It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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