I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
