it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
