i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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