I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
