So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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