I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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