god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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