guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Enjoy the penises
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
