Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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