I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize