i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
