I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
