god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
