he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You made out with two different species that night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
