Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
