good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize