Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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