The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
