I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
