So drunk its hurt
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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