There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
