end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize