I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
