JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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