This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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