its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
