Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
3 2 1 whiskey
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
