Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
