Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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