genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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