the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
