Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if only i could text you this smell
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
