Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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