Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize