If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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