I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize