just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
