we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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