i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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