There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize