Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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