The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
