...so i touched it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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