You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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