No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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