Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
