Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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