Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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