wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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